Wednesday, April 25, 2012
A week after our devastation I had many friends give us Scripture and tell me what the Lord had given them for Josh and for our family. I honestly was starting to get mad. I told the Lord, "You have given everyone else something for me, but you haven't spoken to me. I want a Word from YOU. I want to know you see my tears. I don't want anymore silence. I'm scared and I don't know what to do".
I opened my Believing God Bible study by Beth Moore. She started to go over the miracles of Jesus. I thought "Great, I know all of these". I even skipped over the wedding of Cana because it was so familiar and just filled in the blanks. When we got to the Widow of Nain in Luke 7:11-15, I started to do the same thing, but felt the Lord say, "Read this, Stacie". O.K., already! I'm so glad I did, because it about knocked the wind out of me.
This is what I wrote in my journal,
"When the Lord saw the widow, his heart went out to her and He said, 'Don't cry'. Then he went up and touched the coffin and those carrying it stood still. He said, 'Young man, I say to you get up!' The dead man sat up and began to talk and Jesus gave him back to his mother."
Jesus, you had compassion on the woman who lost her son, You are letting me know that you have compassion on me. That you understand my sorrow, my grief. You are the God who sees.
Oh, thank you! I needed that. Help me to cling to this. To remember this promise that you have given me. My son will be given back to me. His life will experience the power of your resurrection. He was once dead in sin, but you will raise Him to life, a new creation! He will become the man of God I have always prayed for. This is my hope. Give me enough faith to BELIEVE this. Remind me of this story over and over and over until it is so imprinted in my head."
My biggest fear, the thing that I had been grieving and struggling with is that I thought I had lost him. You have shown me that I haven't. He WILL be given back to me. Thank you, thank you for that comfort.
Well, the Lord didn't give him back immediately like I thought he would. . You see so many times we think we have it all figured out. He had a much greater healing in mind. He wants to completely change Josh. To not just put a bandage on a gaping wound that started with pornography. No, he wants to make Josh into a NEW person. A person who will love, serve, and follow Him for the rest of His days. This will take time. God's time.
One time I went to visit Josh, and the first words that came out of his mouth was, "Mom, I love God. I want to follow Him." Oh, could a mother hear anything sweeter come from the lips of her child who had sinned greatly against God? To watch my son with his arms raised up to the sky singing, "Christ has risen from the dead, come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the dead," over and over, was a triumphant moment.
Do you believe in power of the resurrection? Will you continue to praise Him, trusting in His timing and His ways? Do you have the patience to wait for Him to do a mighty work in Your life, or do you want it now? These are questions we must ask ourselves. His ways are not our ways, they are so much higher than ours.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Lily just turned three and seems to have a heart for Jesus. I caught her the other day with her arms up and singing praises to Jesus, just like her mama.
I will continue to concentrate on the good. Knowing that the enemy has not destroyed my family. Knowing that I am moving forward. Knowing that Jesus is my anchor. Knowing that I will begin again, with a new dream, a new vision for my family.
It is good because my God is good.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I made it a personal prayer in my journal.
"Will the Lord reject us forever? Will He ever show his favor again? has His unfailing love vanished forever? Has His promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: The years of the right hand of the most High."
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I remember Your miracles of long ago (I thought often about how You delivered the Israelites through the Red Sea). I meditated on all Your works. I clung to them Lord! I considered all of Your mighty deeds.
I found out Your ways are holy. What God is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; You display the power among your peoples. With Your mighty arm You redeem Your people, Your descendants of Jacob and Joseph...
Your path, led through the sea, Your way through the MIGHTY waters. Though Your footprints were not seen. Oh Lord, I could not see Your footprints. I couldn't see what You were doing, yet I trusted You. Without a word, you fought our battle. You will restore us. You will heal us.
I feel like I have been on the verge of drowning. Every now and then, I would get to the surface to gasp enough air for the next round under the waves. Today, my head feels like it is above the water for good. I feel no fear, only trust in a God whose ways are not our ways. I know God will redeem this situation if we let it. I know that my children will come to know Him even better because of what we have been through.
I sat through a worship service last Sunday and it was the first one in three months that I didn't sob the whole way through the music. God is healing our hearts and if we let Him, He will use our situation to warn others about the addictive nature of pornography.
Satan has tried to destroy our family, but it will come back on his head a thousand times over. What He meant for evil, God will turn into good.
Please watch your kids. Don't assume that just because they are homeschooled that they would not look up porn. Just because they don't have an I-Phone, or they have all Christian friends and activities, doesn't mean they are not curious. Curiosity can lead into a full-blown addiction. We had no idea. The consequences of this addiction are enormous. Because of some of the choices my son has made, he will no longer be able to live with us. We are grateful to my father and stepmother who have taken him in. He will be starting a treatment program soon and we have high hopes that he will have the motivation to complete it. We have had to let go of raising our son at the tender age of 13. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined it, yet this is our reality.
If you have been in a similar situation and would like to talk about it you can email me privately.
Truth was revealed. God will not allow sin to continue if you continue to pray for it to be rooted out. I prayed those hard prayers for my kids. "Do what it takes". The pain and cost of it was more than I could have ever imagined. But now God can use it in a mighty way. To warn others so that the church will be called to repentence and obedience. For there will be no revival without those two things. If we continue in our sin, then we are white-washed tombs. Decaying on the inside, beautiful on the outside. Let it not be said of us! Let us meet this challenge head-on, so that we do not lose this generation for the Lord.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
He is good. "He is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"-Psalms 34:18
He has given me some amazing verses in some strange places.
Zephaniah 3:9 "Then will I purify the lips of the peoples, that all of them may call on the name of the Lord and serve him shoulder to shoulder." Oh, we will serve him shoulder to shoulder again. Brothers and Sisters in Christ who have been separated because of this trial we are in.
Zephaniah 3:17, 19 also says, "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing...At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame. At that time I will gather you, at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes."
Lord, you will do it! I will watch you restore our fortunes before our very eyes. Our shame is cast down. You honor us and lift us up, because of your great love and mercy.
There will be healing and restoration like we have never seen before. Oh Your ways! They are too much for us. We praise You!
I believe God is giving me a new ministry. A ministry I would have never anticipated. I have a burning in my soul and I know it is from the Lord. I am working out the details with Him, as so I do not compromise my family members and those I love. Their stories are theirs to tell. He will make a way if it is His Will.
Oh, how He loves you and me. The consequences of what has happened will never be over in this lifetime, but God will use them undoubtedly for His glory, just like we prayed. I will share more as I feel led.
Thank you for your prayers, your support, your emails of encouragement, and even more important your stories. I treasure them and think of them often and I pray for you as well.
Isn't that what this is all about? Relationships? Encouragement? This is why I started this blog. Where He leads me I will go.
Jesus REALLY is at the helm. We are almost over to the unknown shore. When we get there, it will be hard, but He has already been over there and He has prepared us for it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
It is amazing how you can truly find peace in the middle of the storm. He is doing a new thing. I'm done fighting it. I'm surrendered. The Lord's Will be done, not mine.
How do you fight a storm? How do you fight something that you have no control over? You don't. You ride it out. You hunker down and pray that God will save you and your loved ones. You release them into His hands and pray His Will for them. He fights it. He calms it. There is hope.
I look back and thank the Lord that He gave me the strength to get through each day. Even today, not one, but two friends showed up and offered to give me a break. Can you believe it? That shows how God loves to shower us with grace and mercy. I was able to go on a much needed date with my hubby.
This new journey, it's not quite so frightening. I know Jesus is holding my hand, guiding my boat. He will get me safely to the other shore.
If you are going through a trial, I pray that you will trust the Lord with all your heart and praise Him in the middle of your painful storm. Sometimes your heart breaks over and over and over, yet, He is there, picking up those shattered pieces and waiting for the right time to start putting them together again.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Jess and I being silly
Josh and I out at my parent's ranch.
Steve and I in front of the booster rig.
Steve with some of the kids. I love how Lily poses now. She is quite the ham. She just turned three and kept singing, "Happy birthday for me" all day long. Precious!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Here is what I wrote in my journal a few days ago.
Lord, you know that I am in a place that I have no desire to be in. the pain is great. This is not a punitive punishment, not a disciplinary action towards me. It is a test of faith. A test of endurance. A test of trust. A test of belief.
Oswald Chambers says, "Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."
Another entry from my journal...
I am learning that I will be much more effective at ministering to others now that I have experienced a REAL trial. I will be much more sensitive, stop saying stupid things, like "Oh, just trust in the Lord", or "All things work together for the good of those who love Him." There is a time and a place to say those things, but when someone is in the ditch, it's like you are just throwing more dirt on them. Instead I will hopefully say, "I'm sorry you are going through this. I love you. What can I do for you?" I will listen. I will let them work it through, even if their theology is a bit off because of the pain. I will walk with them through their dark valley.
Several of you have emailed me privately thinking that my husband has left me. I can assure you, that is not the case. We are very much together. I do not want to be mysterious, but due to the nature of this trial, I have to protect those that I love. I'm a mom and that's what I do. The Lord has seen fit to allow Satan to sift me like wheat. What did the enemy go for? Who is my ministry to? Mothers. Now because of this, I will be able to minister to mothers on a whole different level. Hurting mamas. Mamas who blame themselves for their children's mistakes. Mama's who have done everything they can to raise their children in the admonition of the Lord and still discover that they have free will. Mama's who learn that God sometimes says "No", for the greater good of their child.
I love all of you. Your comments lighten a very heavy heart. You are brightening my day, knowing that you are praying for us.