Tuesday, July 17, 2012

We Fall Apart Just to Come Alive





Today is not a good day,
stranded in the heartache,
watching all the world race
and pass me by.

Like the wave on the ocean
comes a flood of emotion.
And it can't go unspoken.
No it can't go unspoken,
one more time.

We fall apart just to come alive.
A broken heart can shatter all the lies.
A brand new start and a goodbye.
We fall apart just to come alive.

But this is still a good life,
standing in the sunlight,
scattering a long line of fear and shame.
'Cause underneath the surface,
there's a heart and a purpose,
and I swear that it's worth it.
I swear that it's worth it.
It's not in vain

We fall apart just to come alive.
A broken heart can shatter all the lies.
A brand new start and a goodbye.
We fall apart just to come alive.


Yesterday the enemy had a little fun with me. I went to church and there sat my dream. The father of a large family came to speak. His 11 children were gorgeous. His wife beautiful. As they sang us a song you could see that the children truly loved Jesus. They were homeschooled, they looked obedient, and I started to compare.

How many times have I told all of you not to compare? I fell into it, not for long, but enough to derail me for awhile. As I drove out of the church parking lot, I started to count off all the things we had lost instead of what we had gained through this trial. I cried all the way home and couldn't stop crying. It was grief. So many dreams have been shattered into dust. Giving up raising Josh for this time. Six months and our children still haven't seen each other (except Marcus). Not being able to even worship as a family. Even having to give up homeschooling five of the children so that I can help my step mom continue to homeschool Josh. I cried and cried over this one. I couldn't believe that God was asking me to put my children in public school. It is everything I was against. The more I prayed, the more clear it became to me. He is testing me. He wants to know if I trust Him with my children. I have homeschooled partly out of fear and He is calling me out on this. It hurts. Another dream lost. I will be obedient though. I feel that He is telling me to take this one year at a time. I am thankful that I still get to homeschool Josh. 

I know God is doing a new thing, the lies have been exposed, the sin revealed. He can start over again. I am in the construction zone and it feels like an excavator has been allowed to rip parts of my heart out. It will be worth it in the end. My prodigal son, has returned, repented and is walking with God. He is getting the help he needs to live a victorious life in Jesus. My family is coming alive as we start to make a brand new start and we say good bye to a different life.

We are not that "perfect" family (I know every family has their issues, it is an illusion). We are our family. We have certain land that we are called to conquer. Our enemy is standing on it. But I am going after it. I will continue to believe God for it even when it feels very far away at the moment. God has surrounded me with an amazing support system. Family and friends who keep cheering me on even during these dark days. They let me grieve, but they won't let me stay there. I so appreciate it. They keep showing me what God is doing through this pain. How people are being changed, how Josh is being renewed even as I type this. He will be given back to me as a new creation. Almost every day I get the opportunity to minister to a family affected by pornography. This is an epidemic. The more I educate myself on this topic, the more angry I get. The enemy is having a field day with God's people. So many are in bondage to this sin. How can we be effective in God's Kingdom if we can't even face the chains that bind our family members? God has enlarged my territory as He is pinpointing this new direction of ministry. I thought I was going to have a cushy ministry like being a Titus 2 woman, encouraging young women to love their husbands and be faithful keepers of their home. Little did I know that I would be handed something that was so much bigger than that. He has more faith in me than I have in myself. That is probably a good thing.

For the first time in my life, I have made an effort to memorize scripture. One of the first couple verses I memorized was Psalm 16:6-8

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places (I have faith that this is true),
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me:
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me, 
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."


6 comments:

mag brewer said...

You are amazing. Keep marching obediently. I am so proud and amazed

Homestead Living said...

"How can we be effective in God's Kingdom if we can't even face the chains that bind our family members?"
This is so true!!! I deeply admire your boldness Stacie!
May others be spared the devastation of porn because of your willingness to stand up for what is right and exposing the deeds of the evil one!
~Jennie

Ellie Rae said...

I think you're beautiful and are handling this very well. My children went to public school, we didn't home school. Both sons are in the Air Force now. We've had our trials and struggles. Hard for us to believe our children (yes, OUR children!) were born with sinful natures like we were and that they have their own struggles to overcome. God gave us all a free will and we have to have our own faith. We do the best we can to create a good environment for our children and get them around the best influences, and we should, but they must make their own choices.
As for the lovely family you saw -- many families like that "showcase" themselves, but you don't know the struggles they deal with. Their children were born with sinful natures, too, and there will come a time when they must deal.
We survived public school; you will, too. It wasn't easy. But I'm sure schooling your children at home isn't a cake-walk, either. This life is hard. God bless. He'll see us through.

Wanting What I Have said...

Thank you for being so transparent. Oh how I fall into the trap of comparing! And you are so right - He has given each of us OUR own families and He has called each of us to something different. I am proud of you, Stacie. Proud of you for your obedience. Proud of you for sending your children to public school, because that is what He is calling y'all to. Often when we tell our children to do something and they choose to disobey, as we deal with the consequences of their choice, we'll say, "Jonah, you should've gone to Ninevah." I don't know if that makes sense - I'm just trying to say - way to go in obeying. The first time. Because it is hard. Love you friend!

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

I love you so much, Sis! You are doing great. We all have our dark days, but you are learning how to get through them in a whole new way. It is all about gratitude, isn't it? I'm so glad you are learning to give YOURSELF grace.

Anonymous said...

I've been gone so long and was just catching up on your blog tonight. I am so sorry to hear about yet another hard change for you. I praise the Lord you keep turning to Him in all your grief and sorrow. Yet though He slay you, still you trust Him.

The Lord loves our children MORE than we do. He longs for their souls MORE than we do. The Lord would not ask you to give up your kids to the public school system if it was going to destroy them. He will show you how to be the best mom of public schooled kids you can be.

Homeschooling is a great option, but it isn't commanded in Scripture. I love it, as you do, but this will work out. Jer. 29:11 and Romans 8 have been my life rafts on the stormy seas of life. Keep clinging, sister!

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