Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I am having trouble staying focused. I have never been more tempted to put my kids in school. I loved having all that free time. I loved spending time playing with the kids. Now it feels like I am back to square one as far as disciplining for attitudes and such.
I find that I am feeling sorry for myself a LOT. I guess I am in some sort of funk. What is weird, is that the kids haven't had worse attitudes than they ever have had when it come to their schoolwork. But it does seem that every child is going through some sort of "stage". Name-calling seems to be the big thing right now. "Liar", "Meany", "Brat", "Tattle-tale". Jacob is constantly yelling "stop" to everyone in a very loud, whiny voice.
God is getting my attention. As I am in this struggle of feeling like I am failing from the very second I wake up, He is there, trying to get to me to see the wonderful blessings of raising children for Him.
The more I come to the end of myself, the more I realize that I cannot raise these children by myself. I can't make them have good attitudes or get along or to even love each other. I can't make them make good decisions. I can encourage those things, but I can't make it happen.
Only God can do it. Only God can give me wisdom and the strength that I need. Only God can give me the perspective that I need, a holy one, a truthful one.
I couldn't stop sobbing as I read "The End of the Spear" by Steve Saint. The part when his precious, only daughter died at age 23 when her brain vessel blew unexpectedly. It was gut-wrenching. A parent's worst nightmare. Why then, do I struggle so much with such little things, when people are going through big things? What if something big where to happen? Why can't I be content and joyful when I have such small, tiny problems?
The answer is this. I am ungrateful. I am focused on the wrong things. I am focused on the weeds in my children's lives, instead of the flowers. I HAVE to change my focus. I have to start getting my joy back.
I feel like this post is sort of a Psalm.
It starts off with the bad, the honesty of what I am feeling, but by the end of it, I realize that my hope does come from the Maker of Heaven and earth.
Make me grateful, God! Make me a lover of You! Make me see the good things that are around me!
I love you, Lord and my hope is in You all day long.