Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My Psalm

I haven't posted this until now, because I'm still working through it. Ever since starting our homeschool up at the beginning of September, I have never felt so overwhelmed. I enjoyed my summer break so much, but now getting back into the groove seems harder than ever.

I am having trouble staying focused. I have never been more tempted to put my kids in school. I loved having all that free time. I loved spending time playing with the kids. Now it feels like I am back to square one as far as disciplining for attitudes and such.

I find that I am feeling sorry for myself a LOT. I guess I am in some sort of funk. What is weird, is that the kids haven't had worse attitudes than they ever have had when it come to their schoolwork. But it does seem that every child is going through some sort of "stage". Name-calling seems to be the big thing right now. "Liar", "Meany", "Brat", "Tattle-tale". Jacob is constantly yelling "stop" to everyone in a very loud, whiny voice.

God is getting my attention. As I am in this struggle of feeling like I am failing from the very second I wake up, He is there, trying to get to me to see the wonderful blessings of raising children for Him.

The more I come to the end of myself, the more I realize that I cannot raise these children by myself. I can't make them have good attitudes or get along or to even love each other. I can't make them make good decisions. I can encourage those things, but I can't make it happen.

Only God can do it. Only God can give me wisdom and the strength that I need. Only God can give me the perspective that I need, a holy one, a truthful one.

I couldn't stop sobbing as I read "The End of the Spear" by Steve Saint. The part when his precious, only daughter died at age 23 when her brain vessel blew unexpectedly. It was gut-wrenching. A parent's worst nightmare. Why then, do I struggle so much with such little things, when people are going through big things? What if something big where to happen? Why can't I be content and joyful when I have such small, tiny problems?

The answer is this. I am ungrateful. I am focused on the wrong things. I am focused on the weeds in my children's lives, instead of the flowers. I HAVE to change my focus. I have to start getting my joy back.

I feel like this post is sort of a Psalm.

It starts off with the bad, the honesty of what I am feeling, but by the end of it, I realize that my hope does come from the Maker of Heaven and earth.

Make me grateful, God! Make me a lover of You! Make me see the good things that are around me!

I love you, Lord and my hope is in You all day long.

17 comments:

Ellen said...

A great deal of my time recently has been filled with feelings just like you wrote here...being overwhelmed...picking out the wrongs and not the rights with the children...my focus needs to be re-directed to what the Lord wants of me..not what I want (which is the free time you mentioned) Thank you for sharing your ♥...it helped me so much!

Rachel and Family said...

You don't have to do it all my dear friend.

Beautiful post.

I will call you soon. I am not free until Thurs afternoon.

xoxo

Nadine said...

It has been a tough start to our homeschooling year too. I too, enjoyed the lazier days of summertime with the kids, now I am back to being the teacher. I also have to find a way to balance homekeeping, homeschooling, and keeping the books for our business...not always easy! There has been a lot of praying! I shall be praying for you too! :)

Blessings!
~Nadine

MommaMindy said...

I started the year with the same apprehension, I enjoyed summer so much and wasn't really ready to give my hours to school. I appreciated your heartfelt sharing and hearing how the Lord brought your attention back to the matter at heart. Thank you for encouraging the rest of us with your honesty. Blessings to you!

Stacie said...

Hi Stacie. I'm Stacie too. I don't know too many people who spell their name that way! Nice to 'meet' you. I have been reading your blog for a while now, but I like to lurk for a while before I comment, to make sure I really want to connect with the other blogger.

I have had days, weeks and even months of feeling the way you have been. You are so right, without God we can do nothing! It's good to be reminded of that sometimes. And I also agree that the thought of losing loved ones makes us appreciate them more. My husband lost his best friend from high school this year. All through that experience, and as I spent time with his widow, I began to appreciate my own husband more than I ever had before.

I will add you to my prayer list. It won't be hard to remember the other homeschooling Stacie. :-)

Ma said...

Great post, I understand!

Attitudes have not been the best here, either as well as me in a potty war with the littlest.

He is shaping us!

Wanting What I Have said...

Ahhh...your honesty is encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I know that struggle! And I appreciate you pointing me to Christ.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

Thank you, thank you for your encouraging words. It is hard to be vulnerable. There are such mean people out there, but it is so good to hear from people who truly understand something that I can barely even put into words.

Kristin Bridgman said...

I understand, having homeschooled for 14 years. This to, shall pass. You will continue to teach, they will continue to learn, they will grow and mature and God will continue to teach you all.

If God has led you to this decision, then the enemy is trying to steal your all's joy. Kick him to the curb and tell him to stay away, you are living for the Lord and that is just the way it is :)

I will pray for you!

Robin said...

*hug* You are so right about looking for what's right instead of what's wrong.

Kids are kids and they're usually really good at being kids! (in all the worst ways, too) And we Moms too often get wrapped up in measuring our parenting success by how well-behaved our children are. ick

Homestead Living said...

Our attitude is Key isn't it?!? I have had some of the same overwhelming feelings lately. I desire to be Spirit sourced rather than all the self sourcing that takes place a lot of the time!!!
May we never forget just where our strength comes from!!!
Great post!

Madame Wildflower said...

Dearest Stacie, I am sorry to hear that you are facing difficult times with homeschooling your children. I know that I am not a mom so I can't really relate, but I felt the pain of your struggles as I read your post. Just don't put your children in public school! They need you, even if you feel that you are not always prefect. I pray that the Lord will give you an abundance of strength.

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

As always, God uses you to inspire me every day. He uses your struggles as well as your victories. If it wasn't for you, I probably would have never thought of homeschooling my kids. God is using your example and when we've been called to something, we need to press on, even when it gets hard. I know God is teaching you so much right now and I know you are listening. He must have something really great in store for you homeschool this year if Satan is working this hard to discourage you.

Love you so much, Sis! Now when I start homeschooling in two weeks, I'm counting on you to remind me of all these things I said to you ;)

Trisha said...

Thank God He is our refuge and strength! And He's faithful to give us grateful hearts and tongues and open eyes to see the blessings all around us. It's amazing how He transforms us, minute by minute.

OurLilFullFam said...

Stacie,

It is so hard not to have days like that. Sometimes it feels like such an uphill battle with attitudes around here too

But then I stop to see the flowers like you said. They are beautiful - like all the kids cheering a sibling on at a baseball game, or my sweet little guy calling his brother's name for the first time instead of the "Stop IT" he learned to scream. Once I thought that was going to be all he ever spoke...

You are so honest, thank-you for being that way!

You really don't want your kids in school, it just seems like the easiest thing to do sometimes - He will give you the strength you need! You already know that is the source!

Stephanie

Kristin Bridgman said...

It's me again. . .thanks for coming over to my place. I'm praying!

Catherine said...

Whew! Stacie you made me want to put a bouquet at each of my students' places to remind me of the flowers they are. Thank you!

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