Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Personal Battle

Lately, I have felt like I have been in a battle. It hasn't been a physical battle (although it feels like that at times), it has been more spiritual. I feel like the enemy is attacking me on all fronts as I make it my heart's cry to go deeper with God. My Bible study "Conversation Peace: The Power of Transformed Speech" has been intense to say the least. I have so much to work on. God is showing me my wrong attitudes, wrong actions and the sin of unforgiveness that I have let grow in my life. It has resulted in mental anguish and bitterness.

My new battle cry is this, "Make me a tender-hearted wife, mother, daughter and friend! Let me love as You love, God. Let me forgive as You forgive! Let me not harbor ill-feelings towards anyone. Let me be a grace-filled Christian. Help me stop withholding forgiveness and harboring resentment, assuming I know what is in people's hearts."

I am ashamed. I confess to all of you that I have not been practicing what I preach. I write devotions for women, encouraging them to live godly lives, and yet I have fallen in so many ways. I have become distracted by this machine that I am now typing on. God has convicted me once again about my time on here. I am praying about it, asking Him to help me find balance.

My problem is that I enjoy hearing from you, and I love commenting and encouraging others, but I am neglecting my family to do so. I am thinking about scheduling my blog time in when my children are sleeping.

I have found myself going from day to day aimlessly. I am not living as intentionally as I should be. I have stopped making menus, reading less to my children, and have been doing the bare minimum when it comes to homeschooling.

Enough! My first priority is my ministry to my family. All else falls after that. I need to stop worrying that if I don't post every other day people will stop following. If this thing is going to grow, it's because of Him. If it is doesn't grow, then so be it! I leave it up to Him, since it was His blog in the first place. I felt Him put blogging on my heart almost two years ago. It has been a wonderful experience. I love all of you ladies and pray for you continually.

Will you pray for me? Will you pray that God will show me what to do and how to find more balance in my life? I don't want to look back and have regrets. My time with my children is so very short. The computer and blogging will always be there. My children won't.

I love you all to pieces and thank you in advance for your prayers for me.
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Cat said...

I am reading "The Good Life" by Chuck Colson. I highly recommend it for the balance it talks about. I KNOW what you write about, and I KNOW how appealing it is to meet up with friends (even if they are on the internet) than it is to discipline, guide and direct, even love, our husbands and children. There is satisfaction in the relationship that is more mutual than the one we really have to work at with hubbies and kids. I pray for you, darlin'! I pray for all of us who don't get out much and use this as a tool for fellowship.

Deb said...

Pray for you? MOST certainly. Even more so though, I will rejoice with you! Obedience to God and realizing that is so awesome!!! You could have so written this post for me just a few short weeks ago. Some days it's a battle to not sit down at this computer...what if my blog flops?? Well, if it does, then I guess God is done with it. Getting my flesh out of the way is so hard, but I am praising God that each day I can tell He is becoming more and more victorious in my life. Yes, I still have days where I make the wrong choice, but it is so awesome to hear from God so much more quickly now than I used to!!
You are a wonderful wife and mom and it shows all throughout your blog.
Blessings and hugs my friend!

Parsley said...

I understand this, Stacie. Will pray of course. God will guide you.

Amy said...

Our prayers for you Stacie. There is only one perfect one.

I don't get out much, I am new to Texas. I use this as a tool for friends and fellowship. I don't post everyday. Evenings and weekends are for my family.

You have helped me in my life more than you can ever know. God used you to help me. My heart felt Thanks to you.


Camie said...

I can totally relate sweet-sister-in-Christ! I feel as though I in the same battle - every time I put my foot down and say "ok today we are going to have a good day and get all the homeschooling done" someone get sicks! We have never gotten so many viruses run through our house like this year! This morning 4 out of 5 of my little ones are sick :(

But I am learning to find joy in it...Never are little ones quite as cuddly as when they are sick or never is the house so peaceful...

I'll keep you in my prayers and I'll send you a few links via e-mail that have helped me tremendously these last few months - especially with using my computer :)



Ellen said...

I am so glad you shared this. I think sometimes when we go through a "sandpaper" time when the Lord is working off that extra "stuff" in our lives that is un-needed, we feel alone. Is anyone else going through this? Am I the wife/Mama I want and need to be? Our minds fill with thoughts of doubt.
I am so happy actually to read about how the Lord is convicting you!
I am reading a devotion by Lydia Brownback..Trust..very wonderful!
Praying for you.

Sarah said...

Stacie...what a heartfelt post! I almost cried, because I can identify with the constant battle.

Am I being the wife, mother, daughter that I should be? Am I trying to achieve Gods best for me? Could I be doing more? Sometimes these questions get me in such a 'tiz' and I fly around trying to do everything and ultimately exhaust myself!

I will support you from my 'ranks' in Ireland and pray that you will keep on fighting the good fight!

May He bless you and keep you, sweet sister in Christ!

Mrs. Lukie said...

Praying for you, Stacie.

This is also something I have been battling for awhile now--hence my lack of posting in the last month or so. My time NEEDS to be spent in The Word, on my schoolwork, on keeping the house tidy and serving my husband. Instead, I have found it so much easier to neglect ALL of those things and resort to this ball-and-chain (my computer).

Anonymous said...

Within myself I've noticed that blogging is my default activity- when I'm becoming overwhelmed with the activities of my family or life I turn to checking the blog rolls- instead of "doing" other things. This past week on our vacation, I didn't think about blogging once! But, sure as night turns to day, come Monday morning I was back into my routine. Part of my deal is that come of my jobs are dealing with things on the computer, emails, bills and photos in particular. I've never felt so connected to homeschool Momma's as I have through blogging- I've met so many families like ours. I will pray for you, it's a good pray for all of us- to find the balance between needing the encouragement from other Sisters, to the maintenance and care of our homes and families.

Connie said...

Isn't God good to talk to you about it before you have gone years neglecting your family! You will find balance because you care. God will help. I, too, will pray.

Toni Floyd said...

I'll pray for you Stace! I totally struggle with some of the same things you are talking about! I think it's very easy to grow weary in our work as a mother and a wife. Sometimes I find myself just pulling back a little because I get so tired of being tired. I kind of wonder if maintaing that balance of letting God in to show me the way and letting His will be done will be my constant struggle until my last breath. I'm so human and I just keep thanking God that He stays with me even when I start giving up. He just waits patiently for us all the while loving us just as much as He ever did. How could I ever live without that? So you know, I understand as much as one mommy to another. Love you, Toni.

busymomof10 said...

Great post! I definitely indentify with your struggle! The blogging world can be such a tremendous encouragment, both to us and to those who read our blogs, but it must be kept in balance. It is naturally more fun than cooking dinner, disciplining children, grading papers, etc. :) Praying God helps us each achieve the perfect balance that He has for us in this area.

Grace said...

I applaud you for making the decision to put your family first. I love reading this blog and the others that I follow. At the same time, I also know that people are just people, that no one has all the answers. You are doing nothing wrong by continuing to encourage people while you struggle spiritually. We all go through times like that. I will definately be lifting you up in my prayers. :)

God bless,


Confessions said...

How many of us are obviously touched by your honesty. Yes, I too, have been convicted of the time I've been spending on this "machine" and how unintentionally I'm living...craving the nap time so I can catch up on blogs. It's disgusting. What a wonderful, convicting post you have written. God bless your words.

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

I'm so proud of you and I'm glad we are finding this balance together. Love you! Jackie

Chris in FL--Joyful Mother said...

That's me! I was convicted of this also. I have blogs to keep up with which I love doing but yes, family comes first.

I heard the Lord tell me a few weeks back to lay it down. Pick a few blogs to visit on a consistent basis and only come on the computer in the morning time...before the children are up. I was good up until last week and I have fallen into the same rut. Jumping on the computer when I want.

I am learning self control big time. I also love encouraging women and posting about life and revelations of the Lord but if it's affecting my role as mom then I have to lay somethings down.

So as for now. I wake up early enough to have the morning hours to check emails, blog surf a little bit, and I leave blogging posts to the weekend. Once a week.

Praying the Lord will show you your day.

Blessings sweet sister! You encourage me so much! :)

Donna B said...

Prayers are going out for you my friend. I have been having the similar issues, plus the health issues with my oldest daughter and am accomplishing nothing around the house.

Not to mention staying up late for no reason other than it is an escape from all of the "issues." I think my goal for this rest of this week will be to get to bed at a decent hour and get up at good hour.

RaD said...

Oh definitely I'll pray for you. I know this struggle. I love my computer. But I love my kids more and I have been striving to "play" on it when they are in bed. If I send them to quiet reading time I pick up a few minutes here and there as well.

And just because you write about something doesn't mean you don't fail in those areas too. You are human and you will fail. It's unfortunate but true. But God recognizes your obedience and uses it to help so many others. Thank you for being transparent.

Mich said...

You are not alone...


Grandma Becky said...

Stacie, we are all guilty of spending too much time on the computer and not doing what we should. I've started the chronological Bible reading again this year and have to make myself read and keep up. It's hard now that the Olympics are on and they will be gone soon. We manage our lives by finding what's important. Family is very important, more so than blogging. We all have our down falls and we just pick ourselves up and move on. Hang in there, sis in Christ. I am praying for you. Remember, it may be seem like everybody else has it together but they have their issues as well! That has got me through the hard stuff. God bless and hugs!!

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I am truly blessed to have such a support system! Thank you for all your kind words, support and love that has poured from your hearts into mine.

I feel good about this and I know God is in the midst of it all, fine-tuning me and bringing me to where He wants me to be.

It is nice to know that I am not alone in this struggle for balance. I do need the fellowship and it makes my day to be able to love on you guys and hopefully encourage you as well.

My kids are in bed, so I'm on here guilt-free. It's only eight O'clock, too!

J said...

Hang in there! Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly with all of us! I completely understand where you are coming from and can relate...right down to neglecting the very ones God has called me to care for! I will be praying for you. May God give you His wisdom and draw your heart even closer to Himself. May He guard your ways and your heart and may you continue to seek His face. To God be the glory! Love you!

...they call me mommy... said...

I totally understand! I take Internet breaks from time to time...need to do them more!!!

Praying here, Staci! Been at the same place MANY times!


Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you too! God helped me. He'll help you too. I posted something similar on my blog a few days ago. You'll find the right balance. I have faith.
Love, Rosemi

singing mama said...

I will be praying fir you. Balance is such a hard thing. I often struggle with it myself.
Luv Donna

Anonymous said...

I am new to your blog and I must say I am so moved by your honesty...I hardly have words.
I could have written this myself.
God bless you on your time of growing in faith. What a mark that you are His!
Blessings to you sister

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