Thursday, October 15, 2009

Remembering My "Glory Babies"

Michelle over at "She Looketh Well" asked us to share our stories of our miscarriages to perhaps bring healing to others as they grieve for their babies. Today, October 15, is a day set aside to remember our infants that we have lost. Please pray for Michelle, as she just lost her baby over the weekend at 10 weeks in utero.

Here is my story...

My first son was one years old and I had just found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. They would have been about 18 months apart and I didn't think I could handle it. The best thing for me was to not think about it. Only until I was almost 12 weeks did I bond with my baby. I remember I was starting to show and I put my hands on my tummy and prayed for him or her for the first time. I felt close to him and started to look forward to meeting him.

I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico on vacation with my in-laws. I was so excited, I had never been out of the country! My hubby was not even interested in Mexico, so he stayed behind. We were having a great time, when on a bus tour, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. It wasn't very much, but I mentioned it to my MIL who was a nurse. She thought we should go to the "American Clinic" to get checked out. They wanted to know how far along I was and I told them 12 weeks that day. It was almost impossible to communicate with them. They did not know English and I did not know Spanish. They did an ultrasound and the screen was black. They said my baby had died weeks ago. They also said I needed to have a DNC because they were afraid I would start hemorrhaging on the plane back to the states. I couldn't stop crying. It was devastating. Being far away from Steve was even harder. I called him on the phone and told him that we has lost the baby. He was very supportive. At one point, the doctor looked at me as I sobbed and said in a confused voice, "You are young, you can have more children". I wanted to scream, "This was my baby!" It was just a taste of some very careless things that people would say to a grieving mother. I had only brought maternity clothes to Mexico, and I felt like a hypocrite wearing them. I had nothing else until my MIL let me borrow some of her shirts. Even though the baby had died weeks before, I had continued to get bigger and have morning sickness. Of course, you start to question what you did that might have caused it. The guilt can be tremendous. Only God got me through those dark days. Pam Vredevelt wrote a book called, "Empty Arms" that helped me with my grieving process.

My second miscarriage was before my (now) baby, Lily. I was only a month a long. I had just taken the test and we had told the children that I was pregnant. The next day I started bleeding. It was not nearly as difficult because I know that God got me through the last one. It was very disappointing though and hard to tell the children. Again, it was my baby.

The most healing thing for me was when people gave me cards. When my loss was actually acknowledged, and not pooh-poohed. The picture above is the sweet angel that my sister bought for me several years back to put in my garden. Jackie, this means so much to me! Thank you! I encourage anyone who has lost an infant and has no casket or grave to visit to buy a garden stone or even light a candle and say a pray for all grieving mothers out there. My stepmom gave me a little angel to put on my mother's necklace. Again, my loss was acknowledged and it meant the world to me.

Due to pelvic issues, I am probably not going to have anymore biological children. Steve and I always had the number 8 in mind. I asked God the other day why the number eight if we had to stop? He gently reminded me that He indeed gave me eight children. I started crying as I realized that six living and two glory babies equals eight. Isn't God good? He counts them even when we forget to.

A song that blessed me is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark. She wrote this song after her miscarriage. The best line is this...

"You'll just have Heaven, before we do."

I'm counting on it!

Thanks for letting me share.
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20 comments:

Michelle (She Looketh Well) said...

Stacie, I should have known this was going to be an emotional day. Thank you for sharing your story. How hard it must have been to be away from your husband! But I love that God got you through it! He is so amazing, isn't He.

I pray for all the mamas and papas to know the healing of Jesus. And I praise Him and remember with you, dear sister!

J said...

Stacie,
Thank you for sharing. I love that song by Watermark! A friend bought and mailed me their cd after my second loss and it has brought such encouragement to my heart. I am with you, having other acknowledge the loss is such a huge comfort. Thank you for being so honest here. I have been encouraged and blessed. God is faithful.

With Love,
J

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

When I saw that angel, I just had to buy it for you. It just felt perfect! When I'm at your house and I look to your flower bed and see that little baby angel sleeping, I'm sad that I don't get to hold my neices/nephews now, but I'm happy that eventually I'll get to hold them all I want when I meet them in heaven. Love you, Sis! I know this isn't an easy subject, but I'm glad you shared with your readers. I know it will encourage and validate others who have gone through this same grief.

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

Have I told you how proud I am of you today?

Love you so much and can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Raisingarrows said...

Stacie,
I too was away from my husband during my second miscarriage. It is a terribly thing to have to go through w/o that support there.

Heaven is such a sweet place!
Amy

Cat said...

As I read this today I thought of my sweet daughter who miscarried about 2 years ago. I'd like to commemorate the child and the event, so thank you for telling us about this day. My heart is heavy for all those who've lost children. My own mother lost 4. I'll call her. I love you, Stacie!

Aylin said...

6+2=8. I love how God counts in a different way than the world does. I have had several very early miscarriages and one fullterm stillbirth. My husbamd says they are our "heavenly children."

Holly said...

Thank you for sharing about your glory babies. They are indeed so precious!! I am so glad that people acknowledge your loss. As a society it is so taboo to grieve for a miscarriage. People expect you to move on quickly. It doesn't work that way.

Holly said...

And thank you for your wonderful comment.

...they call me mommy... said...

(((HUGS))) I too went through a miscarriage between my 2nd & 3rd babies...at about 13 weeks...

How hard it must have been to be to be away from your hubby!!!My hubby was so strong during that time...it is one of the times we look back and say that we were so close during that time...

I ALSO really enjoyed cards from people...in particular a beautiful one with birds that a friend gave me...I kept all these cards in a scrapbook so as not to forget!

Bless you...
Amy

OurLilFullFam said...

Stacie,

That made me cry.

I know what you mean about the math - it reminds me of Job. God gives us such comfort!

I know what you mean about the pelvic issues too - they told me it would get worse each time and it so scary to think about the pain PSD causes!! Labor is nothing compared to it!

Stephanie

christy rose said...

Stacie,
Thanks for sharing this and being vulnerable in your post here today. It touched me so much. I, too, have suffered the loss of a baby through miscarriage. I know that by you sharing this, you have touched many women's mommy hearts. Thanks again,
Christy

ps. tears filled my eyes when I read your sister's comment about being proud of you. what a gift you are to each other!!

Anonymous said...

Last year was a sad year for us as we lost two precious babies.We are now excited about a precious new life joining our little ones this December.I can hardly wait to see and smell this brand new life.God is so good.

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this.

Camille said...

What a wonderful testimony of God's Goodness to you...to gently remind you that you do indeed have 8 children...just that you didn't meet two of them...YET! :)
Blessings,
Camille

candy said...

Oh Stacie how sweet for the Lord to let you know that yes you did have 8. I didn't think that either. in my mind you and Steve wanted 8 and thats what God told you and To tell you the truth 8 was in my mind. I wanted you to have 8, you have presious babies.I thank the Lord for reminding me, that all are precious in His sight.
My sister lost 2 babies,I lost 1, Shilo lost 1,My mom lost 1 due to a car wreck 5-6 mths. along,and my friend debbie lost a boy she delivered Zachary at 5-6 mths. Oh my Lord thank you for these little ones that you count just as special.I'm sorry for your loss friend. I'm not sure I told you at the time. Love you.

Marie said...

Mme Stacie

You are very strong and you have a very beautiful family.

(He's my fiance c:)

avec amour,
Marie

Tricia said...

Stacie, thank you for sharing. I can't imagine having to go through that without my husband around. I am so sorry for your loss(es). My heart hurts for you. But thank you for sharing even the difficult times, and for always pointing others to the Savior! You are a sweet, loving woman!

Grandma Becky said...

Stacie, thanks for sharing this post. I'm sorry for your loss. I've never been thru this type of loss. I've grieved with friends who have. May God continually bless you and enjoy those adorable children of yours. Children are so special, no matter whose they are!! Happy Day, my friend.

wife.mom.nurse said...

Your first miscarriage story reminds me of the loss of my Angel.

I am so thankful for Oct 15 and the awareness that is building about infant and pregnancy loss.

Thanks for sharing.

~Julie

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