Michelle over at "She Looketh Well" asked us to share our stories of our miscarriages to perhaps bring healing to others as they grieve for their babies. Today, October 15, is a day set aside to remember our infants that we have lost. Please pray for Michelle, as she just lost her baby over the weekend at 10 weeks in utero.
Here is my story...
My first son was one years old and I had just found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. They would have been about 18 months apart and I didn't think I could handle it. The best thing for me was to not think about it. Only until I was almost 12 weeks did I bond with my baby. I remember I was starting to show and I put my hands on my tummy and prayed for him or her for the first time. I felt close to him and started to look forward to meeting him.
I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico on vacation with my in-laws. I was so excited, I had never been out of the country! My hubby was not even interested in Mexico, so he stayed behind. We were having a great time, when on a bus tour, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. It wasn't very much, but I mentioned it to my MIL who was a nurse. She thought we should go to the "American Clinic" to get checked out. They wanted to know how far along I was and I told them 12 weeks that day. It was almost impossible to communicate with them. They did not know English and I did not know Spanish. They did an ultrasound and the screen was black. They said my baby had died weeks ago. They also said I needed to have a DNC because they were afraid I would start hemorrhaging on the plane back to the states. I couldn't stop crying. It was devastating. Being far away from Steve was even harder. I called him on the phone and told him that we has lost the baby. He was very supportive. At one point, the doctor looked at me as I sobbed and said in a confused voice, "You are young, you can have more children". I wanted to scream, "This was my baby!" It was just a taste of some very careless things that people would say to a grieving mother. I had only brought maternity clothes to Mexico, and I felt like a hypocrite wearing them. I had nothing else until my MIL let me borrow some of her shirts. Even though the baby had died weeks before, I had continued to get bigger and have morning sickness. Of course, you start to question what you did that might have caused it. The guilt can be tremendous. Only God got me through those dark days. Pam Vredevelt wrote a book called, "Empty Arms" that helped me with my grieving process.
My second miscarriage was before my (now) baby, Lily. I was only a month a long. I had just taken the test and we had told the children that I was pregnant. The next day I started bleeding. It was not nearly as difficult because I know that God got me through the last one. It was very disappointing though and hard to tell the children. Again, it was my baby.
The most healing thing for me was when people gave me cards. When my loss was actually acknowledged, and not pooh-poohed. The picture above is the sweet angel that my sister bought for me several years back to put in my garden. Jackie, this means so much to me! Thank you! I encourage anyone who has lost an infant and has no casket or grave to visit to buy a garden stone or even light a candle and say a pray for all grieving mothers out there. My stepmom gave me a little angel to put on my mother's necklace. Again, my loss was acknowledged and it meant the world to me.
Due to pelvic issues, I am probably not going to have anymore biological children. Steve and I always had the number 8 in mind. I asked God the other day why the number eight if we had to stop? He gently reminded me that He indeed gave me eight children. I started crying as I realized that six living and two glory babies equals eight. Isn't God good? He counts them even when we forget to.
A song that blessed me is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark. She wrote this song after her miscarriage. The best line is this...
"You'll just have Heaven, before we do."
I'm counting on it!
Thanks for letting me share.
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